Who the f&*% greenlit this; or, why is this show still on?

It's that time. The networks are reaching their season/series finales and my VCR is doing overtime. It's been a weird season. Some shows have earned my devotion, some shows give me pause, and others have, well, we don't talk about them much, we're hoping they'll go away. And no, I don't have the premium channels- this is an expanded basic listing.

My personal television s&*% list. These are the shows, a genre, and one entire network that have fallen so far, or have managed to stay so mired in the muck of their own offal, that I go surfing by them with my nose plugged and my eyes closed. I am afraid, very very afraid.

The Ghost Whisperer- CBS, staring Jennifer Love Hewitt and her, um, assets.

Ya know, I should love a show like this. Creepy kids, vengeful spirits, easy-to-follow plots. I mean, I pay to watch movies dumber than this. But I Just. Can't. Do. It. It's her voice, and her line delivery and her, well it shames me to admit this, but there is something very disturbing about her hair. She turns her head and IT DOESN'T MOVE! Sometimes it does, but occasionally, when it's been teased like a portly third-grader, it's just there.
This Sixth Sense meets Touched By an Angel blended with a WB teen drama just meanders along. At least Patricia Arquette over on Medium has a relevant job and a family to interact with along with Casper and his merry band.

Divine intervention? Yup- it's renewed. JLH gets to stay with the majors instead of being banished back to the Family Channel.

Invasion/Threshold/Surface- ABC/CBS/NBC

Oh the humanity! Or at least what's left of it. Fox Mulder told us for years that the aliens were coming, and he was right. They even cloned themselves a few network executives to use as puppets, spreading their propaganda. Reality TV isn't the only thing spawning replicas on every network possible. Yes, creepy things abounded this season as all of the main networks showed us that there is something out there... now if they can only get those things to watch this show, 'cause we're not.

Alien intervention? Invasion has a few more episodes to go before TPTB make their decision. Threshold- abducted, Surface- I fear this one is still around for I cannot find news of its cancellation. (sigh)

The All-American Sitcom- ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, UPN. Comedy, comedy, wherefore out thou comedy? A pratfall by any other actor would smell as sweet. Assuming that a) you have a concept beyond Type A meets Type B, they bond and hilarity ensues, b) a cast that can do comedy well instead of just looking vapid and pretty, and c) an audience who cares.

It seems the live-audience sitcom is falling (however temporarily) by the wayside to make room for a spate of dramedys (*sigh* Arrested Development) and no-audience comedies (The Office, My Name is Earl). This is not a bad thing. Everyone needs a breather now and again. And the genre isn't dead, How I Met Your Mother is an example of a good concept (Courting Alex-Dharma redux), good casting (William Devane- just can't see it here), and not trying too hard to continually one-up itself (Joey, Will and Grace, Two and Half Men....).

Pie in the face? Nope not yet, but Satan's put some of these puppies on life support and has made a few back-room deals the details of which have yet to appear in Variety. Thankfully, not Will and Grace which got old several seasons ago and is now, thankfully axed.

The WB- UPN is, regrettably, too easy, so the WB takes this place because it used to be a good network, or at least had shows I was willing to kill time with. Buffy, Angel, Smallville (until the last two seasons), Gilmore Girls (I know, I know, I just can't bring myself to care anymore!) heck, I even liked Roswell. And I really liked Jack and Bobby- the concept kept it from feeling too high school-y and angst-y. But alas, no more. I'll pick up Supernatural on occasion, I like cheap horror (and cute stars), but that's about it. I don't talk about Charmed anymore- it's too painful.

Permanent Hiatus? Yup! The entire network has been cancelled, to be combined with UPN. (YIKES!) Beyond Veronica Mars, no one seems to know what will survive, although everyone's laying their bets. (My money's on Everybody Hates Chris, Supernatural, maybe Smallville and maybe one or two of UPN's other comedies. Gilmore Girls only has about one season left in it- it will likely make the transition, but look for a replacement pilot next season....)

Nobody Should Mentions

Desperate Housewives, ABC- It was cute when it started. Then they solved the big mystery. And introduced a new one. And forgot about it for almost the entire season while they futzed around with the "A" cast, forgetting the things we loved best about them and destroying them. So I'm forgetting it now, too. I have Grey's Anatomy.
Reality TV, ABC/CBS/NBC/UPN/WB/Fox... Reality TV now falls into three categories- 1. My life sucks more than yours so I'll make you watch it. 2. My life sucks more than yours, but these people are going to fix it for me. 3. My life sucks more than yours, but I'm willing to make it suck even more to win neat prizes! Notable exceptions: Intervention- if this doesn't scare you, even a little, you should consider a career as an interventionist, or get your head examined- maybe both. Project Runway/Top Chef- Bravo to Bravo for coming up with reality concepts that take real, tangible skills. And for casting for more than just pretty faces with extreme personalities. There is no amount of sucking up/making deals these people can do to save their asses- "they're in", or they "pack up their knives".
Without a Trace/CSI:Miami- they forgot a cardinal rule of the procedural drama: The characters personal lives are not a central theme of the show. They are to be lived on the side, referenced in "what did you do last weekend?" snippets of snappy banter, or to explain why such-and-such character went a little Vic Mackey on that last suspect. Pay attention to CSI's Vegas crew and L&O: SVU- both have managed to give their characters fairly detailed "off-duty" lives and corresponding work conflicts without having to have any "very special" episodes.

The middle ground, or I'll catch the repeats...

It's that time. The networks are reaching their season/series finales and my VCR is doing overtime. It's been a weird season. Some shows have earned my devotion, some shows give me pause, and others have, well, we don't talk about them much, we're hoping they'll go away. And no, I don't have the premium channels- this is an expanded basic listing.

Welcome to eh-whateverville. These shows I like, but they've either fallen off, just not grabbed me yet, or they're just starting to pick up steam. I'm paying attention, but I'm not losing sleep when I miss an episode. They're often just noise in the background....

Lost- ABC, starring a lot of people who are more lost and confused than their audience- but only by a little.

Viewing history: Previously obsessive, I-can't-have-class-that-night, now-let's-go-web-surfing-for-more-clues. Now- I missed a few weeks and came back as confused as I had been when I stopped. Besides, who needs to keep up when ABC runs a recapper show every few weeks it seems?

Why the hate?
1. (This is true of all of ABC's biggies these days.) Would it kill you to air the show regularly?! This goes way beyond a hiatus break- those are expected. ABC has been engaging its audience in a sick game of keep-away with its new episodes, and I, for one, am really tired of playing.
2. Occasionally, it would be nice if you would solve one of those little mysteries you keep dangling in front of us. The X-files got away with it for as long as they did because for most of its seasons, it remained primarily a creep-of-the-week format. The over-arcing side mysteries were just that- sides. Lost's plot seems built entirely on mysteries, and they're multiplying like bunnies.

Why do I care?
1. For all it's infuriating mysteries, it has all those infuriating mysteries. It's like the build-up to Christmas. I'm watching all these presents slowly appear under the tree. I have no idea what's inside and the suspense is killing me. I'm deathly afraid they're all socks and clothes instead of the toys and books I've wanted for the last year. But the 'rents never let me down, will the writers of Lost?
2. Matthew Fox and Terry O'Quinn. I enjoyed the whole Sawyer/Kate/Jack triangle last season, but watching Jack and Locke circle each other like wild animals encroaching on each others' territory has been electrifying. Sawyer's already taken advantage of that once, to spectacular results. But now that things are coming to a head with the Others, will Jack and Locke be able to pull it together? Or will Locke's compulsion to discover the island's secrets/powers lead him to doing something that will push Jack over the edge? (Egad, I sound like ad copy, don't I?)

Train Wreck Status: Mid-to low. The writers, while taking sadistic pleasure in the audience's frustration, do seem to know (or are acting like they know) were they're going. But if another season finale comes and goes with no major resolutions (remember the hopes we all had for that hatch?) the odds will skyrocket.

Stargate SG1/Stargate Atlantis- SciFi, starring Aliens, humans, and "whatever" tech that would make even the casts of 24 and Alias roll their eyes and say, "Yeah, right- pull the other one."

Viewing history: Previously religiously- had the VCR set every week. Even watched it with MamaRaven and the Old Crow. Now- I'm surprised (sort of) that it's still on.

Why the hate?
1. Like I said, I'm surprised it's still on, the "original" SG1 I mean. We're creeping up on 10 (?) seasons here, folks, and we've gone so far up the alien threat evolutionary ladder that we had to invent a new galaxy for the Gods to come crawling out of. We're not recycling plots anymore, we're regurgitating them en masse.
2. Franchise fatigue- it was an issue when the original series aired. SG1 got around it by using clever sci-babble to explain its existence, a minor retcon to justify its existence, some initial good multi-season series arcs to keep us interested in its existence. They also had some really good casting to replace the movie actors so it could exist on TV in the first place. Atlantis met their sci-babble, didn't really need the retcon, but it hasn't raised a good arc yet, and the casting I might fold on...

Why do I care?
1. SG1's current arc is a little better than what they've had in previous years. (I swear the Atlantis thing was just so they could do a spin-off.) The "Gods" are coming to kill/convert us all and the "Gods" that could fight them on their own terms opted out of the race aeons ago. If SG1 can somehow re-engage the Ascended Ones, I might check back in, but if the puny humans find a new whatever tech to save the day at the 11th hour, I might finally give up for good. Stunt casting Ben Browder and Claudia Black (Farscape alums) hasn't helped. (Although Black's scenes with Michael Shanks can be downright hysterical if they're played right.)
2. Atlantis has so much potential. It needs a better cast shake-up than the substitution that happened at the beginning of this season. And they need to get back to the desperate isolation they had in the early part of the season- no ship from earth, no info going back and forth, nothing. Sink or swim on your own, folks. The CSIs manage it (to varying degrees), and you should, too.

Train Wreck Status: High. SG1 was SciFi's flagship show, the first real series undertaken under it's own power. (After they acquired the series from Showtime, that is) And as such, SciFi is a bit afraid to let it go. It still has a large and loyal fanbase, nearly all of whom jumped on the Atlantis gate, too. But fans don't equal quality or originality, and these shows are being slowly, painfully run into the ground.

NCIS- CBS, starring Mark Harmon and one of TV's more colorful casts of crime-solving misfits.

Viewing History: Previously ignored. (Hey, I wasn't a JAG fan so there was no cross-over appeal) Now if I'm surfing and it's on, I'll usually stop and watch awhile.

Why the hate?
1. CSI and L&O got there first and better.
2. In general, quirky characters do not an entire series make.

Why do I care?
1. Really quirky characters can make middling fare more palatable, and NCIS runs the gamut. Geeks, Jocks, the hot foreign chick, they're all there. Drop 10-20 years off their ages and it could be American Pie, you know, only without the pie, and the sex, and the parties and the... Well, OK, not American Pie, but you get my drift, right? They're silly, hormonal, snarky and they look like they're having fun. Since all of my regular shows are all overly-serious and death-like, this is my version of a sitcom- only with guns, and a body count.
2. (Really more of an extension of #1.) Let's face it, if you could smack your co-workers around like Gibbs, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU!?!?

Train Wreck Status: Low. If JAG could cruise by for years on good looks and a sweet disposition, why can't NCIS?

Middling Mentions

Bones- Fox, starring Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz. Again, it's CSI-lite with a quirky cast of misfit geeks, only where NCIS is heavy on the investigators, Bones is heavy on the geeks. Plus it's my Boreanaz fix. It's like my Buffy/Angel habit has spawned this little obsession of watching just to see what's up with the guy. (Sadly, this compulsion never made it to How I Met Your Mother or Kitchen Confidential.)
Law and Order: SVU- Mariska Hargitay, Christopher Meloni and Ice Cube. Of all the spawn of the L&O franchise, this is the only one I'll watch. Hargitay is one of the most convincing female cops I've seen in a long time. (Keep in mind I said convincing, not accurate.) And Meloni's slow and steady meltdown has made for some fascinating developments. (Will someone get that guy an Emmy already?)
Scrubs/My Name is Earl- These are both hit-or-miss with me. While both offer occasional knee-slapping humor, they often veer off into sillyville and stupidland. I can take small doses, but I can't overdo it, I'll go into a diabetic coma.
House- one of last year's must-sees, this year not so much. House = grouchy know-it-all. Check. Cameron = cute and sweet know-it-all. Check. Foreman = angry, pulled-myself-up-by-the-bootstraps-so-don't-mock-my-skillz know-it-all. Double check. And Chase = ..... he is still on this show, right? I'm still watching, but I'm not really caring. Maybe if someone actually died once in awhile, they've had, what, one fatality out of two seasons? Where's the risk = drama?
*Amended 5-3-06: They just killed a guy last night, but only to up the ante on the two leads who have/might have contracted the same disease. Personally, I'm not caring about Foreman anymore, but can someone PLEASE give Cameron a break, here?*