You've seen it before...

The list goes on seemingly forever. It started as a novelty, a reversal on an old idea, and now it's an obsession. Originally conceived as a way to put "cheeks in the seats" (as my profs would say), its become de rigeur, and I, for one, am not amused. It's lazy.

Movies on Broadway.

You can't get away from them. Spamalot, Footloose, The Wedding Singer, High Fidelity (the f*&%!?!), The Color Purple. And let us not forget the offerings of the House of Mouse- Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, Tarzan, and coming soon: Mary Poppins.

Not that I'm totally against derivative works on stage. From a technical aspect many of these are amazing productions. Re-creating on stage what is simple in movies (especially in animation) can be a thrilling sight to see for an audience, and for some, well worth the price of admission. I remember seeing the Beast's transformation and sitting slack-jawed in my seat trying to figure out exactly how it was accomplished. And having seen stills from The Lion King, I can only imagine what those costumes are like in an actual theatre setting. But that's my inner techie geek speaking- the rest of me is completely flummoxed at the idea of spending that kind of dough on something I can have Netflix send me and I can watch in my pj's.

The long/short of it is, I've seen this. I know what's going to happen, so unless you're going to show me something completely new I'm pretty sure I don't want to spend that kind of cash. No matter how much I may have liked the movie. (And I say again- High Fidelity?!?!)

Now, I see where the producers of these productions are coming from. It seems to work so well going the other way (Broadway to movie) that sending it up should be a moneymaker, too. Right? Not quite. See, those Broadway to movie adaptations really haven't been as successful as people would have liked them to be (and haven't been since, what- the 50's?). Yeah, they got the awards (Chicago), and they look beautiful (Phantom of the Opera), but they didn't get the money (Rent) and they were fairly expensive to make compared to a run-of-the-mill film (all of the above). The biggest downside of a movie to stage adaptation (as far as I see) is that it's not all that marketable for the long-term. Will people see it? Yes, and likely in droves if it's a popular movie. Will they see it again and again? No. It's kind of a one-off thing, like a cheesy tourist attraction. You do it to say you did, and then you go back to your home movies and slide shows.

From what I understand, the audience attendance fall-off after opening for all of these shows has been fairly substantial. It's not like a Phantom or a Cats or a Rent where (until recently) the only place to see it WAS onstage. And if you're habitually a repeat viewer like me, it's worth the multiple trips to a theatre. There's more than one way to get your Ren and Ariel fix and you don't have to wait for the half-price tix line if you go to Blockbuster.

(Exceptions to this rule could be for movies/shows that attain a cult-like status- I'm thinking something along the lines of Hairspray or Rocky Horror. Even Rent has it's Rentheads and Spamalot has a lot going for it in the cult category. But trying to handicap those races is like trying to count Snakes on a Plane. Fun, but not really useful.)

Still, I guess you could call the overall convention a success. They're still coming out with more, but I don't see the trend lasting much longer. After all, the recent Broadway to movie revival seems to have petered out and sooner or later the Broadway producers will realize that they can't sell DVD's starring a poor man's John Cusack, when DVD's of the real thing are around. And Broadway shows are expensive to make.

But remember that exception I just mentioned?

Evil Dead- The Musical. With splatter section. I am so there, when is it here?!.

Fantastic Fest '06 Nightmare

In my opinion, if it looks like a bad film school project, it is about a bad film school project, and it acts like a bad film school project, then... you get the idea. I've read online reviews that love this movie, but everyone I talked to at FantasticFest (including myself) hated it. I don't get it.

(Apparetly none of us did, the script walked away with the jury award in the horror competition.)

It's daring, don't get me wrong, and the plot is fascinating. Guy and girl wake up in bed together after a party and there's a camera set up at the foot of the bed. On the tape is murder. Bloody, violent, and gleeful murder. There's no evidence, they have no memory, they have no leads. In a moment of desperation, the man pitches the scenario to his film class for a project and to his dismayed wonder, they take it. Filming begins and all hell breaks loose. The filmmaker pulls no punches with the sex, the violence, or the paranoia, but it's not enough. Or in some cases too much.

Several reviewers site the lead's acting range as a plus, and I'll admit he does have a range. But they're all to the extreme. He's not afraid- he's VERY afraid. He's not aggressive, he's VERY aggressive. He's not angry, he's VERY angry. There's a lack a subtlety that makes every emotion feel pushed, he's not asking the audience to empathize- he's demanding it. He's trying to channel Christian Bale in American Psycho (suave, powerful, only with paranoia and doubt from the first) and doing it badly.

I know the line between passion and violence is a thin one, and sex and anger are intrinsic to the plot of this piece; but the sheer amount of sex and nudity and sex and nudity (and sex and nudity) were overwhelming. I'm not a prude when it comes to movies, but parts of the piece felt like we were watching soft-core porn.

There are layers and layers to this piece, and each one is more depraved and confused than the last. Reality sheers off the surface very quickly, leaving the audience with little more than an finale montage of violence, confusion, pain and suffering with no regard to what is real or what is imagined.

If this is all a dream, can I wake up now?

Fantastic Fest '06 Piano Tuner of Earthquakes (with Existence)

It's not very often I walk out of a movie not knowing exactly what I've seen, but that's what's happened here.

It can be a good thing, in theory, to see something I don't quite understand. It can give me something to mull over, or something to examine. I can discuss abstract symbolism or the conflict of the rational mind and irrational art. I could ponder the nature of obsession, possession, and the dual nature of creation and destruction. I could almost admire the Phantom of the Opera-esque adaptation of a mythic morality tale like the The Nightingale.

I could marvel at the intricately animated automatons and be haunted by their purpose. I could stand awed by the dreamlike quality of the film's cinematography. I could be chilled by the isolation of the seaside setting, the nearby woods, and the elegant cage created by a brilliant madman. I could be seduced by the sultry housekeeper and protective of the naive Piano Tuner invited into this tableau.

Or I could be pissed off that I wasted this much time on a movie that began with a decent plot, OK acting, and wonderful art direction, but ultimately degenerated into a near-incomprehensible mess of sexual imagery, pretty animations, and an ending that makes the whole thing feel like it was a pastel, psychedelic hallucination brought upon by a bad night at the opera, insomnia, and a burlesque show.

Guess which one I'm leaning toward.

Famous Last Words: Huh?

Existence, on the other hand, was a wonderful short whose oddball images and cast of characters fit the premise perfectly. And the disorientation they create were perfectly suited to the journey the main character's on.

Who the f&*% greenlit this; or, why is this show still on?

It's that time. The networks are reaching their season/series finales and my VCR is doing overtime. It's been a weird season. Some shows have earned my devotion, some shows give me pause, and others have, well, we don't talk about them much, we're hoping they'll go away. And no, I don't have the premium channels- this is an expanded basic listing.

My personal television s&*% list. These are the shows, a genre, and one entire network that have fallen so far, or have managed to stay so mired in the muck of their own offal, that I go surfing by them with my nose plugged and my eyes closed. I am afraid, very very afraid.

The Ghost Whisperer- CBS, staring Jennifer Love Hewitt and her, um, assets.

Ya know, I should love a show like this. Creepy kids, vengeful spirits, easy-to-follow plots. I mean, I pay to watch movies dumber than this. But I Just. Can't. Do. It. It's her voice, and her line delivery and her, well it shames me to admit this, but there is something very disturbing about her hair. She turns her head and IT DOESN'T MOVE! Sometimes it does, but occasionally, when it's been teased like a portly third-grader, it's just there.
This Sixth Sense meets Touched By an Angel blended with a WB teen drama just meanders along. At least Patricia Arquette over on Medium has a relevant job and a family to interact with along with Casper and his merry band.

Divine intervention? Yup- it's renewed. JLH gets to stay with the majors instead of being banished back to the Family Channel.

Invasion/Threshold/Surface- ABC/CBS/NBC

Oh the humanity! Or at least what's left of it. Fox Mulder told us for years that the aliens were coming, and he was right. They even cloned themselves a few network executives to use as puppets, spreading their propaganda. Reality TV isn't the only thing spawning replicas on every network possible. Yes, creepy things abounded this season as all of the main networks showed us that there is something out there... now if they can only get those things to watch this show, 'cause we're not.

Alien intervention? Invasion has a few more episodes to go before TPTB make their decision. Threshold- abducted, Surface- I fear this one is still around for I cannot find news of its cancellation. (sigh)

The All-American Sitcom- ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, UPN. Comedy, comedy, wherefore out thou comedy? A pratfall by any other actor would smell as sweet. Assuming that a) you have a concept beyond Type A meets Type B, they bond and hilarity ensues, b) a cast that can do comedy well instead of just looking vapid and pretty, and c) an audience who cares.

It seems the live-audience sitcom is falling (however temporarily) by the wayside to make room for a spate of dramedys (*sigh* Arrested Development) and no-audience comedies (The Office, My Name is Earl). This is not a bad thing. Everyone needs a breather now and again. And the genre isn't dead, How I Met Your Mother is an example of a good concept (Courting Alex-Dharma redux), good casting (William Devane- just can't see it here), and not trying too hard to continually one-up itself (Joey, Will and Grace, Two and Half Men....).

Pie in the face? Nope not yet, but Satan's put some of these puppies on life support and has made a few back-room deals the details of which have yet to appear in Variety. Thankfully, not Will and Grace which got old several seasons ago and is now, thankfully axed.

The WB- UPN is, regrettably, too easy, so the WB takes this place because it used to be a good network, or at least had shows I was willing to kill time with. Buffy, Angel, Smallville (until the last two seasons), Gilmore Girls (I know, I know, I just can't bring myself to care anymore!) heck, I even liked Roswell. And I really liked Jack and Bobby- the concept kept it from feeling too high school-y and angst-y. But alas, no more. I'll pick up Supernatural on occasion, I like cheap horror (and cute stars), but that's about it. I don't talk about Charmed anymore- it's too painful.

Permanent Hiatus? Yup! The entire network has been cancelled, to be combined with UPN. (YIKES!) Beyond Veronica Mars, no one seems to know what will survive, although everyone's laying their bets. (My money's on Everybody Hates Chris, Supernatural, maybe Smallville and maybe one or two of UPN's other comedies. Gilmore Girls only has about one season left in it- it will likely make the transition, but look for a replacement pilot next season....)

Nobody Should Mentions

Desperate Housewives, ABC- It was cute when it started. Then they solved the big mystery. And introduced a new one. And forgot about it for almost the entire season while they futzed around with the "A" cast, forgetting the things we loved best about them and destroying them. So I'm forgetting it now, too. I have Grey's Anatomy.
Reality TV, ABC/CBS/NBC/UPN/WB/Fox... Reality TV now falls into three categories- 1. My life sucks more than yours so I'll make you watch it. 2. My life sucks more than yours, but these people are going to fix it for me. 3. My life sucks more than yours, but I'm willing to make it suck even more to win neat prizes! Notable exceptions: Intervention- if this doesn't scare you, even a little, you should consider a career as an interventionist, or get your head examined- maybe both. Project Runway/Top Chef- Bravo to Bravo for coming up with reality concepts that take real, tangible skills. And for casting for more than just pretty faces with extreme personalities. There is no amount of sucking up/making deals these people can do to save their asses- "they're in", or they "pack up their knives".
Without a Trace/CSI:Miami- they forgot a cardinal rule of the procedural drama: The characters personal lives are not a central theme of the show. They are to be lived on the side, referenced in "what did you do last weekend?" snippets of snappy banter, or to explain why such-and-such character went a little Vic Mackey on that last suspect. Pay attention to CSI's Vegas crew and L&O: SVU- both have managed to give their characters fairly detailed "off-duty" lives and corresponding work conflicts without having to have any "very special" episodes.

Love it/Hate it...

Two movies, two dystopian futures.
One I liked, but not for the plot/writing, and the other I hated, because there was no plot/writing of which to speak.
OK,The Love goes first:
V for Vendetta- If you've read my House of Wax reviews, you know how a voice can get to me, and boy does Hugo Weaving have it in spades. And it wasn't just the voice. (That hypnotic, icy, creepy and still vulnerable voice.) Weaving's one of those classically-trained actors who has learned to use his entire body to make a point. And when you spend an ENTIRE movie in a mask, those subtle body movements, a tilt of the head, a hand gesture, a strut in the walk... they make all the difference. So much so, I actually tuned out of the movie a bit, and just focused on the attitude expressed through movement. His Matrix experience was a definite plus, but not just for the kung-fu aspects of V. There's a certain "disconnect" with reality that Weaving expresses very well. All the major characters Weaving's been associated with in the last few years (I'm thinking LOTR's Elrond, Matrix's Agent Smith, and now V) have been "outside" the main reality, yet an intricate part of it's goings-on. The "integral outsider" as it were. A puppet-master of sorts.

A similar kudos go to Natalie Portman, whose tear-laden eyes can be pissed and heartbroken at the same time. Screw the hair (or lack thereof)- look at her eyes, folks! While her character would have had farther to travel if she had been more of a gov't tool in the beginning, I was able to buy the initial external "guilt by association" and internal "my parents were right" versions that we saw, first through the inspector and later through Evey herself. Portman's line at the end to the Inspector about who V was (father, mother, brother, self) was believable only because you could see the echoes and transference in her eyes. I never saw V and Evey as a romantic pairing, but more symbiotic. She- his lost humanity, and He- her lost beliefs. Neither existed fully without the other, but each was able to subsist on its own, weakened, but independent.

And, yea! for making us actually believe an entire year had gone by, instead of feeling like it was rushed or forced.

As for the actual plot- meh. Been there, Fahrenheit 9-11'd that. The W'boys ditch Thatcherism for Bushism and there ya have it. An instant dystopian, paranoid future dictatorship plot. Read Orwell, you'll be happier, or at least more aware.

But I still loved it.

And now for The Hate:
Ahhh, Ultraviolet, you could have been so, so much more.

I don't care what you think, Mila Jovovich is a decent actress, good at action and not bad to look at. And I love playing H!ITG with William Fichtner, but this plot and this writing is crap. Oh, the humanity!

Set up a decimating virus story, set up a gov't human weapon story, set up a medical-freak-of-nature story, set up a vampire story, but for crying out loud if you're going to use all of them, use all of them at once- don't pick and choose depending on what works for the scene at hand! We had an intro voice-over that introduced the freak/virus story, and retconned the weapon/vampire bit about halfway through.

Here's my fix for almost the entire movie, and I can do it in 6 sentences to be uttered in V-O Scene One, while Mila's walking up to the gov't building for the courier-infiltration scene:
"They thought they were creating a perfect, human weapon.
Instead they got a highly virulent catastrophe.
The virus made the vampire-like weapons the government wanted, but they couldn't control it's spread.
Blood, tears, sweat, it was too contagious.
So they tried to destroy it- all of it and those who carried it.
And I got caught in the middle."

(Wait a minute! Isn't this the plot to Resident Evil?)

Bam! Innocent, infected heroine with tragic circumstances to be relayed in flashbacks where appropriate, not at the beginning where they sit there and are wasted for half the movie.

(Yeah, R.E. did this one better.)

Love the kid, hate the way he was ultimately useless and good only for looking forlorn and tugging at our heart-sleeves.

And haven't digital backgrounds and tracking shots gotten better than this, yet? Or did you embezzle part of the budget somewhere and we got stuck with this?

(I still want one of those negative space, belt buckle-thingies with the anti-grav drive, though. That looked cool! TechieToys!!!)

(Sigh!) It could've been sooooo gooood! But it wasn't!!!!