Insert your own joke here 2.0

My what an... interesting news week we're having.

It's now confirmed, Daniel Radcliffe, who has been playing the role of Harry Potter for many a year now, will fufill the wishes of many a fainting fangirl, and give us the full monty in a production of Equus. Seriously. Uncle Vernon's in it, too. Goody!

Well, if you're looking to shed your image, shedding your clothing is certainly an option.

And with that allow me to wallow in the gutter with a few headlines, cliches and all.

• Harry Potter to show us his 'Magic Wand' in West End production!
• A 'stripped down' role for the Harry Potter actor.
• The next 'big thing' for the London stage?
• Radcliffe goes 'balls out' for his next role.

Oh, dear. I think I'll stop there.
Yeah, right there.

Insert your own joke here....

Headline says:

"Kevin Federline to Close Teen Choice Awards" and the first line of the article should read...
...
...
...
...
I just...
I can't...
He's so...
LOOK AT HIM, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
(Please defamer.com, don't sue me for "borrowing" the photo!)

*sigh*

Fine. I'll do it.

...Pity everyone left early.
...And it only cost Britney a small fortune.
...Just so his wife could get him out of the house.
...Because kids really will watch anything.
...FCC is standing by.
...Just so Dane Cook can mock him on his way to the stage.
...And the world cries, "Why, God, why!" (Really- WHY!?!?!?!)
...And in realted news; Sean Preston Ferderline becomes the first infant in therapy- before he even says is first word!


...Just to give me something to post about.

Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of... Huh?

I liked the movie, let it be known that all of the forthcoming nit-picking comes from a place of love. It was a good way to spend an evening.

But talk about your wasted efforts. This movie was not thought out, and seemed to be slapped together just to get a sequel into the theatres to hold us over to the main event in the finale. And that annoys me to no end. (This coming from me, a fan of the make-it-up-as-we-go-along show, 24!)

So, yeah, be ye warned, there are spoilers abroad in these high seas... Yarrr!

Of all the myriad plots that get set up along the way, not one is resolved. Yes, this is the second chapter of a trilogy, but something should have ended in the two and a half hours I sat there in the theatre, amused, but waiting. After all, in Star Wars, Luke started and finished his training, the unresolved sexual tension between Han and Leia was resolved, and the Millennium Falcon stopped trying to outrun people and began chasing after them. These were all endings, and yet they still served the larger story and allowed a segue into the finale.

The center plot here is the search for the infamous "Dead Man's Chest." And yes, it is found, (about 2/3 the way through) and everyone gets to chase after it, playing "hot potato" until it comes to rest. And then it isn't used, by anyone. At all. We just get to look at it and it's freaky contents- just sitting there. Waiting for something to happen, which won't until the next movie.

So on to the subplots, which include a romantic troika consisting, unsuprisingly, of Jack, Elizabeth and Will. It's set up with innuendo, that blinky compass of Jack's, and a "stolen" kiss. But while all parties are aware of the situation to varying degrees, no accusations have been made, and no relationships have been tested. But I'm sure the ensuing conflict will be wonderful.

It just won't happen until the next movie.

Family angst is aptly represented with Will and his father (played nicely by Stellan Skarsgaard), and it manages to go in a complete circle, with both Will and Bootstrap Bill ending in the exact same places they started. (Will free, Bill, not-so-much.) The only thing that changes is that by the end, Bootstrap has "hope" that his son will rescue him.

Which won't happen until the next movie.

The blackmailing greed of the East India Trading Company in the guise of Lord Cutler Beckett is on call, and they make for nicevillainss to replace the British Navy (in the guise of Commodore Norrington) from the last movie. And while I admit the upper hand they gain at the end was nicely arranged, but we're basically left with Beckett sitting at his desk, pondering his next move.

Which won't happen until the next movie.

And, of course, we have the evil Davy Jones. Whose scenes were nicely chewed by Bill Nighy, if almost spit out again by the freakish CGI-laden prosthetics/make-up that completely obliterated almost all of the actor's fine facial expressions. (More on this later.) Davy rants, Davy kills,Davy plays his organ with his tentacles (not a euphemism!), but he doesn't have the contents of chest, he doesn't have Jack, or Will, (or a clue for that matter) and that's pretty much how he started the movie. But he is going to have a lot of fun dealing with the person who did end up with the contents of his "locker."

But not until until the next movie.

The only resolved plotline is Jack's. And it's resolved violently. More or less. But not finally. He's not exactly encased in carbonite, but he still needs a' rescuin'.

Which won't happen (say it with me folks,) until the next movie!

See where a birdy can get her little feathers ruffled?

Now, back to that character CGI issue I mentioned earlier. This is what happens when a good concept is completely run off the rails by it's own nifty-ness. As I understand it, the concept was thus: The longer you served on The Flying Dutchman, the more you began to resemble the sea creatures and creepy-crawlies of the deep. Cool! They were so pretty, and so creepy, and so overdone that they lost all facial expression, and were used for shock value, not character laughs. And they weren't even done as well as they could have been, they all looked shiny and fake. I think something went wonky in integrating the prosthetics and the CGI.

The original pirates from the franchise, the cursed crew of the Black Pearl, had their moonlit CGI freakishness, but the rest of the time you could pass them on the street and not notice. (Well, you get what I mean.) The moonlight reveal was a way to deal with budget constraints, but it served the overall plot very well. And it allowed you to connect with some of the fine character actors that were being used. Frankly, Capt'n Barbossa would not have been half as scary, had he been a skeleton all the time. All things in moderation, my dears, especially in movie tech.

(And about that nifty concept- so far as I could tell after one viewing, it is never mentioned in the movie. The skeletal curse was a cornerstone of the last installment, here it's a gimmick, and one not even worth explaining. Sigh.)

All of this, plus the usual sequell pitfalls: resurrected gags, the same stunts (only Bigger! and Better!), and the in-jokes. Which, in all honesty, I actually I didn't mind so much, loving the first as much as I do.

But I have to say, the scene stealer for this flick- her. I have no idea who she is (character, not actress), or where she came from, but she's really cool, and she was the only character who had any clue what was going on. At. All. And she chewed her scenery the same way Mr. Depp did in the first movie which was great. Bravo! (Also- she gets the coolest set. This was one of those movies I look at and wish I was working props in Hollywood.)

And the ending twist? Wow. But if they don't explain it in a way the audience can buy, it will kill the next movie. You DO NOT just drop something like that in an audience's lap with out a really good reason. It becomes nothing more than a REALLY cheap stunt, and there will be hell to pay.

Final verdict- we're not keel-haulin' her yet. But if the final installment fails, she's walking the plank.

And then I'll go to Disney World.

Pssst! It's the Emmy noms, pass it along...

OK, I swear I'll be getting back to my look at the new fall shows, but my personal life got a bit in my way. In the meantime...

PRIMETIME EMMY SEASON!!!!!!

And, wow, 24, you go, guys! Normally you expect an Emmy darling like The Sopranos, Will and Grace, or The West Wing to come out on top of the series noms list, but this year 24 takes the top spot as the most nominated series. Apparently the nom process changed up a bit to spread out what/who was eligible, so the noms got spread out a bit. But just a little bit. (But, still sorry, Gilmore fans and Veronica Martians, you're still shut out.)

And here's my personal handicap sheet for the "major awards." (Plus a few.) Watch me get them all wrong come August.

Oh, yeah- we're splitting into multiple posts here- this is Reality/Comedy. Can you tell the difference?

Outstanding Reality Competition Program
The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Project Runway, and Survivor.
Missing in Action: Top Chef, I thought it was highly underrated and took actual skill to compete, something I harp on a bit if you know my tastes in reality TV.
The last three year's it's been The Amazing Race's award to lose, and they haven't. I really don't see that changing. The thing about these reality shows is that they're static. There's no room to grow because you have to start fresh every season so if your premise isn't award-winning to start with, then you're kinda outta luck. And of all these shows, only The Amazing Race and Project Runway have set-ups that are novel enough to keep the Academy's interest. TAR gets to travel around the world and PR requires actual SKILL to win. The difference here is that TAR is on network and PR is cable.
Winner: The Amazing Race
My heart wants: Project Runway (Mainly 'cause I still giggle when I go past the Red Lobster and I can still hear the wail of "Where THE HELL is my chiffon?!"
WTF! The Upset: Dancing with the Stars, 'cause we got to see those without skill actually acquire it and it was kinda nifty, in an embarrassing VH1/Surreal Life-y kinda way. And occasionally the academy likes to throw a bone at the new kid, if only to make them go away.

Outstanding Reality Program
Antiques Roadshow, The Dog Whisperer, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Penn and Teller: Bullshit
MIA: Intervention and The Deadliest Catch- they aren't competitions, but if you lose on these shows- you lose BIG. Like, your life, big.
Um, wow. This is so all over the board I don't even know where to begin. I mean, Antiques Roadshow vs. Penn and Teller? The Dog Whisperer vs. Kathy Griffin? (Wait a sec, those as shows wouldn't be so bad, hmmm...) Aw, hell- let's just call it.
Winner: Extreme Makeover- widest audience, cutesiest premise, and I'll take being stuck in an elevator with Ty Pennington and his, um, bullhorn, over Kathy Griffin and her issues any day.
I ::heart:: : Penn and Teller: Bullshit. 'Cause they bring the snark, and are one of the reasons I bemoan my lack of expanded cable.
WTF!: Antiques Roadshow, 'cause, kidding, right? Antiques Roadshow!?! (Although fans of that show are really hard-core about it I hear...)

Supporting Actor, Comedy
Will Arnett (Arrested Development), Jeremy Piven (Entourage), Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle), Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men), Sean Hayes (Will and Grace)
MIA: Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother) C'mon- Insert your own Doogie Howser, M.D. joke if you must, but NPH is one of the best things about this show and you know it!
You know, I'm really glad W&G finally got axed. Not because it went on about two, three seasons too long (it did), it reduced stunt casting to a quivering, overblown cliche (it did), or because it ran out of shameless gay jokes and after about three seasons (it really, really did), but because it will finally remove Sean Hayes from my television screen for awhile. I liked W&G, and Sean seems fine in interviews and whatnot, but after a few years and a few thousand ass/breast/penis jokes, my poor eyes (and not to mention my ears) need a break from the flamboyant Jack. He was a one-note character that went way out of tune, once too often. As for the others, Piven gets great press, but the non-network comedies always have an uphill battle in any category, and I feel the same way about Bryan that I do about his, co-star Jane, but I wrote her up first, so you can scroll down. I still don't get the love for TaHM, but I'll give Cryer his due, anyone that can go this long with Charlie Sheen's reputation dogging (and maybe dragging?) the show has to be one heck of an actor.
Winner: Will Arnett- this show is to critics, what Firefly is to its fanatic fanbase. It's gone, but they're going to be in mourning forever. Pity Emmy.
I ::heart:: : Jeremy Piven. I have never seen the show and I want this guy to win, that's how spectacular the reviews have been of his portrayal.
WTF!: Bryan Cranston, I honestly thing nominating the Malcom folks has become as much a reflex for the committee as The West Wing noms are.

Lead Actor, Comedy
Steve Carell (The Office), Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Kevin James (King of Queens), Tony Shaloub (Monk), and Charlie Sheen (Two and Half Men)
MIA: Eric McCormack (Will and Grace) What, no Pity Emmy? Everyone else was nominated. Harsh, man, really harsh. Terry Crews (Everybody Hates Chris), why is he MIA? Three little letters: U.P.N.- when the entire network goes down, I don't care how good you are...
My, what a difference a lack of Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond makes. Steve Carell has earned his nom, but I swear I didn't even know King of Queens was still on and 2 1/2? Oi! Please don't get me started. So the only ones to count are Tony, Larry and Steve. And sorry, Larry, you're quirky, but not in a warm and fuzzy, Dilbert's pointy-haired boss kinda way. Or a OCD, nervous-nelly kinda way. Or in any way, really. So, sorry.
Winner: Steve Carell- the guy's the bee's knees this year- everyone loves him!
My ::heart:: : Tony Shaloub- just 'cause I've loved him since Wings. Yes, I watched Wings- wanna make something of it?
WTF!: Charlie Sheen- the guy's a pariah this year- everyone wants to hate him! But wierder things have happened and the people seem to still genuinely like TaHM.

Supporting Actress, Comedy
Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Alfre Woodard (Desperate Housewives), Jamie Pressley (My Name is Earl), Elizabeth Perkins (Weeds), Megan Mullally (Will and Grace)
MIA: Jessica Walter (Arrested Development) I don't really need a reason, do I?
You know, I think the committee was just afraid the Housewives were going to come after them, 'cause I really don't see Alfre's performance as Emmy worthy. Sophomore slump doesn't even begin to cover what happened. And remember my earlier rant at poor Sean Hayes above? It applies here, too. Sorry, Megan, I wish you best of luck on that talk-show thing you've got going for you, but please keep Karen far, far, away from us... Weeds was a very good show, I hear, but apparently people only heard of it, 'cause I'm having a bit of trouble finding friends who actually watched it. And while that hasn't stopped the Academy before, (seen Arrested's trophy case lately?) I don't hear the raves from critics that usually compensate for lack of audience.
Winner: Cheryl Hines, I hear shes the glue that keeps that cast together- that's usually good enough for the Academy. And I really think these might be Curb's only real chance.
I ::heart:: : Jamie Pressley- she is just too fun to watch. I alternately want to give her a hug and smack her upside the head, occasionally both at the same time.
WTF!: Alfre Woodard might take it, but only because she's Alfre-freaking-Woddard, not because the character was decent of the plotline she was in made any kind of sense.

Lead Actress, Comedy
Stockard Channing (Out of Practice), Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm in the Middle), Lisa Kudrow (The Comeback), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine), Debra Messing (Will and Grace)
MIA: Tichina Arnold (Everybody Hates Chris), but we know why, see above...
Let's take this from the top, shall we? Stockard was arguably the best thing about OoP. (Add a "s" to the end of that acronym and you have my overall opinion of the series.) But was her performance Emmy-worthy? Or is she here because we couldn't shoehorn her into the Drama category for The West Wing which is where she really belongs? Jane- (Jane, Jane, Jane) I'm sorry, I love you, but no. You've done a superb job with a character at the same time irritable and maternal, but I think you're going 8-0 in this category as nothing you did this year really stood out from everything we've seen you do before. Lisa, the spate of "reality" sitcoms that are appearing nowadays is disturbing, but you've got a shot- after all, a lot of people really miss Friends. Julia, have we broken the curse of the Seinfeld alums (Larry David non-withstanding)? Maybe, but Chistine is just a slightly less annoying version of Elaine, and I REALLY hated Elaine. Debra- go see Jane (only drop the maternal and substitute, um, goofy?).
Winner: Debra Messing- Let the Will and Grace funeral awards begin... (or continue, or end, 'cause I never do these things in order ya know?)
I ::heart:: : Stockard Channing- she really should be over in Drama, but if she has to win something...
WTF!: Lisa Kudrow or Jane Kaczmarek- toss a coin. Both shows are gone, so it's a pity prize in either case, althogh I'll give an edge to Lisa for a better show concept...

Outstanding Series, Comedy
Arrested Develpoment, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, Scrubs, Two and a Half Men
MIA: My Name is Earl, but that's OK, maybe that karma thing'll kick in next year.
I could continue my diatribe on the inexplicable appeal of Two and a Half Men, but I think it's getting old. I could add a few more word about Pity Emmys in relation to Arrested Development, but I won't. I could sing for the wonders of Scrubs and how I hate that it won't win 'cause all the other shows have actor noms to boost their support and Scrubs doesn't, but, um, I just kinda did, didn't I? Only without the actual singing part? I just don't think the Academy gets Curb, and The Office, while justly deserving of it's hype, is, well, pretty well hyped. So to call it...
Winner: Arrested Development, 'cause any show that mocks its own downfall as well and with as much grace as they did deserves this.
I ::heart:: : Scrubs- like AD, it just doesn't have the audience it deserves, but unlike AD, it doesn't have the pretty statues to keep it company.
WTF!: Two and a Half Men- do I have to say it again? I didn't think so.